Journal of Things That Are a Bit Unlikely
by Richard Chaos
Summary: The Tenth Doctor, inspired by the actions of himself as a human, decides to try his hand at keeping a journal.
1. Time Lord Nature

Right. Notes. Right. I got this idea to write and it wouldn't leave me alone. I hope his starts a trend, it's all I really want to do with myself.

This is just me, being the Tenth Doctor as I think he is, being the man I think he is. Very Doctor/Rose, it's canon, leave me alone. But leave what you think, I've got plenty else to say as him in my head, could go on with it. This is pretty much right after Human Nature, focusing on Rose and the Daleks.

I don't own the Whoniverse, I just mess with it.

* * *

Right then. Me and a journal. Worked as a human, why not give it a go now? Seems a bit more appropriate to be typing it in over physically writing it. Well, for me at least.

So a journal of what I've been doing. Don't exactly have to do it, my big ol' head can store enough. Can't call myself a blogger, this isn't exactly something I can post with a cute little emote of my mood. So what am I doing this for. Maybe to feel a bit human again. Maybe part of me needs to.

Martha, she's gone to rest that last little adventure off. Can't blame her really. Even the best of humans need it after something like that.

So I find myself sat here on my own, console for company. And I'm not thinking about that Family, what I had to do to them or what Martha must have been through. Not really.

Ever since I got myself back, I've been asking the same thing. I heard me, him, the person I was as a human. I heard him say it. It didn't occur to me that I'd fall in love. Was that the kind of man I am. What kind of a man is that.

I'll admit it didn't. It didn't occur to me that in human form, I might fall in love. Why? Thought never even crossed my mind. And I think of everything. Why not this? It wasn't that I didn't think I was capable of it any more.

It was Rose.

Rose Tyler. I think they call it having it bad. And I do. It's not like I haven't been in it before. I have, of course I have. But I lost it, I lost all of it. How could I ever feel it again? And then she came.

She came when I was full of hate, bitterness, anger... rage. And she made me better. She didn't even really have to do anything special either, just be there. Just exist. Just... stay with me.

I regenerated and she looked into the Time Vortex itself. She stayed with me. Accidentally met a 'predecessor', stayed with me. Not that I like using the word predecessor, it's never been like that. But the point is, through everything we did, she stayed with me.

How can I get over losing that too? I can't. I don't think I ever will. Not like this anyway, not while I'm still this me. All the regrets. All I didn't get to say to her. Thanks again by the way universe, couldn't have given me that extra few seconds could you?

I'm still mourning her I suppose. I know how selfish that is, she's out there with her family, safe. Behind closed walls. But it's the same thing to me. Safe, maybe. But trapped forever. Where I can never get to her again.

And it's the way it has to be, I won't try anything thick to open them back up. I just have to deal with it. On my own. Always on my own.

Of course I didn't think of falling in love as a human, just changing my biology couldn't get rid of this. Nothing could get rid of this. Well. A few things could but those aren't things I do are they.

Might be why I'm writing this too. That me, human me. What did he go and do? Fall in love with someone so like Rose. Someone who cared. Someone who knew what was wrong and what was right, someone who was there to point it out to me as well.

He would have been happy. I saw it. I remember it. What they could have had. The most wonderful of lives. The life I can never have with anyone, let alone Rose. Is it wrong of me to want to feel closer to that? Can't always be right I suppose.

What would I be without her? How angry would I have stayed? For how long? I don't even know what I would have done next.

Gone off on my own across the universe, of course. But what then? Without her to show me all the small things she did, what would I have been?

Not that I was a monster. I was still me. Still the man who made things better. But there was nothing left for me any more. It had JUST happened. I'd only just done what I did. With all the time in the universe on my own to dwell on it. And I'm a dweller, oh yes I'm guilty of that.

It scares me actually. What might have happened. I'll tell you a secret new journal of mine, what possibility terrifies me the most. I'd giggle like a schoolgirl if it wasn't wildly inappropriate. Right, back on point Doctor.

If I'd have found those Daleks, after being on my own. Those Daleks with the Earth and pretty much the human race as a hostage. Would I have used that Delta Wave? Would the rage inside me that they survived when I'd lost everything driven me to murder all of them? Become like them?

Don't like to think so. Of course I don't. But I'm glad I'll never have to know.

Not that I'm perfect now, I hold my grudges. Especially against those superior pepper pots. Can't wait to see them again, guaranteed to knowing my luck.

Hah. She even brought emotion to them. Made a Dalek feel. I think that day was the day I realized how she was helping me. Standing over a Dalek who actually wanted to die from feeling. Amazing.

Oh but they got their own back didn't they? Coming back in their millions. Taking her away from me.

I mean the Cult of Skaro, what are the odds? Emergency temporal shift with a prison ship. Into the perfect hiding place. Re-birthing the Daleks all over the Earth. Forcing my hand to rid the universe of them again. Risking everything again. And I lost. Again.

And even then, it wasn't the end. To come back again later in New York City, destroying more people's lives. At least this time they destroyed themselves. But even then, they took so many innocent lives with them. I couldn't save them. I couldn't stop Caan from leaving. I lost.

I lose everything and they survive. Is that how it's always going to work now?

Well. Even if it is, I can't give up. I'm all the universe has left. And even if you've been a bit unkind to me, I'll keep looking after you. It's my duty, the last Time Lord in existence. Can't let you fall into chaos now can I? Planets ending left and right, your infinite space being used as a battleground, can't be having any of that.

Even if you're a demanding patient, I'm your Doctor. And I'll never get tired of saying things like that. Is my ego showing?

Rose Tyler and the Daleks. Kind of a nice opener isn't it. Fits this life so far. Oh that makes me sound old doesn't it.

The more I ramble on the more I think this is a good idea. No-one left to talk to about this. I can't tell Martha everything. Not everything. She must know though, about Rose. She's not thick, no not at all, she's brilliant. But there are things I don't think she would understand. There are things that don't really need to be said.

Besides, wouldn't really make her experience any fun would it?

"Oh by the way Martha, you're brilliant and everything, but you really can never replace Rose. You know that blonde people who can vaguely see what I'm thinking about always mention? Let me tell you more about her!"

No. No! I might say the odd thing without thinking sometimes but I do have some tact. ...some. When I really really should have it.

I wonder what she's doing right now. Rose I mean, I'm back to her now. I sit here on my skinny, or so I'm told, backside blogging away to myself like a big sad space geek and she's... what?

Has her Dad, at least. Still stuck with Jackie but it can't all be perfect can it? Oh... I even miss winding Jackie up, I must be desperate. But no, right, she has her family. New little addition to it on the way. Torchwood in her back garden. She'll still be brilliant without me. I know she will.

And me, what did I go do after the fact, went and got ahead of myself with the Racnoss. Not one of my proudest moments. Took a right gobby human to stop me too. Useless on my own. Nearly met my end first time without Rose.

What am I like going on and on. TARDIS must be bored out of her mind, has to see this all the time anyway and now I'm typing away. Let me off eh, just trying this out for myself. Works for the universal internet, can't hurt doing it in private.

Oh. Then again. They said that about a lot of things related to the internet, that didn't end well...

Where was I? Ah yes, useless without Rose. No, credit where credit is due, I'm still fairly brilliant myself. Just might be a bit less now.

Right, right! That's it. That's enough going on about the old days for now. Looking towards the future. With Martha, not like I'm going to boot her out of the TARDIS because I'm a bit sad about the past.

Didn't I hear something about Election Day last time I was on Earth? That should be interesting. Don't think I checked who's running. Probably won't turn out that badly. Probably.

Poor Harriet Jones. Well. Sort of. Had to slap myself on the hand for sort of kind of changing a bit of history there. But that's what flux is for, can't keep everything the same. And she deserved it.

I know, I'm such a Timey Wimey rebel. I should get that on a badge, it'd be great at kid's parties.

I'd say what about the immediate future, but every future is immediate to me if I pilot myself there. I love little things like that.

I think I'll just park the TARDIS somewhere nice, give her a once over to see if those nasty Family members left any scratches and see where I end up next.

This was good. Good. Even if it was just a posh way of talking to myself.

Not sure of the exact date, travelling through vortex.

With love and lots of words,

The Doctor.


	2. Me, The Master and Space Titanic

Not much to say here for the second bit really. Just that I've been eager to do it, the relationship between the Doctor and the Master is one I just... love. But I do end up covering a lot here.

And for the record no, I don't mean relationship like _that_, that is blasphemy and completely wrong in every way, shape and form. As a note I know I mess about with tenses a bit here, but that is on purpose for effect and not because I'm stupid.

* * *

Well. Blimey. That was a... how long has it been? However long it's been, it's been that and a half.

Since my last entry, been a busy little Lord of Time. Had a nice time-wimey adventure with a Sparrow, there were 4 things and a lizard, Martha complained a lot, an incident with some space goo stuff comes to mind and after all that I decided the good old TARDIS could use with some refuelling.

Off to Cardiff with me then. Just a routine, I thought. Martha asks _Cardiff _like it's the most boring place in the universe to arrive to, I do my open my mouth and keep talking thing and then I notice. The rift has been active, and well that. That's how the whole thing started.

The man from a lifetime ago, Captain Jack. Running right for me. Some might call me harsh for leaving him behind the way I did but I'm sorry, just looking at him is wrong. Then again, did it ever feel right with him?

Point is, here comes Jack, off I try and go. Then he goes and does something just like him, he jumps on to the TARDIS. Through the vortex. All the way. Poor thing feels as wrong as I do, tries shaking him off. Runs all the way to the end of the universe. And well, I can't help myself can I, have to stay and see what's what.

Jack, still alive, comes along with me and Martha. All right I'll admit it, it wasn't that bad having him tag along again. We even had a nice chat in a room where he should have been vaporized.

Anyway, end of the universe, vicious mutates running around hunting people, big complex on the planet with the last of humankind gathered there putting all their hope into one last dream. Living to the end of the universe. Humans eh?

Right so, there we three are, find a massive rocket, hallways full of humans. End of the universe, could be worse. Then the man behind the dream came and found us. Eager man. It was good we were there, according to him. Seemed perfectly fine to me.

Pleasantries out of the way, we're in his lab. And what he's done... it was brilliant. Genius. Basically he made science out of food, and string and it worked! Granted it took me to come in at the end and give it a little boost, but overall it was stellar. And me, being the big old idiot that I am, I didn't think anything of it.

I was noticing something though, something off about him. But he was an old man, it happens. Not that I'm one to talk about old but you know, trying to help the human race reach beyond the end of the universe here, no time for any of that stuff.

So like I said, helping humans reach beyond and we're doing it. It's going to work, they'll have their chance at "utopia". The rocket launches. Then Martha comes to me and Jack. In a rush. Panicked. Before I can start really talking about how good a job was done here, she tells me.

The watch. Like the watch I used. She doesn't understand, of course she doesn't, how could she? Jack thinks it's good. But it's all connecting to me now. The big old face's enigmatic last words, how this genius has made what he has, even his name. Yana. You Are Not Alone. It was staring me in the face.

I remember how I felt. "I don't believe it. I won't believe it." Because I knew, I already knew who it was. It was only ever going to be him, if anyone survived it would be him. And I was afraid. We ran to him. But he's stopping me within seconds, I know it's him.

We managed though, we eventually managed to get there and I saw him. The old man, the old clever man. As who he really is. Except he's dying. By my TARDIS. I can see what happens next and I know I can't stop it. He takes it from me, locks me out. Succumbs to his wounds and probably out of spite for me regenerates into something better.

I heard his voice, mocking me seconds after being reborn. Was it ever really going to be any other way? The Master. Oh yes, he made sure he got his name out of me.

He could do anything now. But I had to stop him. Even if I just stopped him a little bit. Good old Sonic Screwdriver, fused the TARDIS co-ordinates, now it could only come there and the last place we were. Earth. How smart was that.

Even if I hate him having that thing, I fix Jack's Vortex Manipulator and get us back home. Great Britain. Right year, right place, no mistakes. Couldn't fuse the co-ordinates perfectly though, 18 months leeway. Give the Master any leeway and he can accomplish something big, but 18 months?

He's only gone and become Prime Minister. Brainwashed the planet. Wish I could've seen my face. Well, what could I do? What could I possibly do? It wasn't like days of old, he didn't have to manipulate or kill his way to getting something. He had it all already. He'd planned everything, put it into motion.

He was winning. And those humans I'd helped send to 'Utopia'? There was no Utopia at the end. Just burning. And he took advantage of them. Why? Well, because they were convenient and effective weapons, of course they were. But he could have made that out of anything. They were the last of the human race. That was perfect for him, because it was the worst for me.

And what had I been doing? I'd been flying around the universe the entire time.

I bet he knew exactly what I was doing. He must have known, he mentioned Rose. Hiding himself from me, watching what I did. Oh and laughing at me, of course with the laughing at me. He had the nerve to ask me how it was. Doing what I had to do.

"You must have been like God," he said to me. He would have felt like that, I know that much. But not me. He got chance to run away, he got lucky. He'd never understand but use it to mock me anyway. ...at least he would have done.

He died. Properly, this time. Hah, he died in my arms. I was going to 'take care' of him, I suppose. 'Keep' him. Oh he didn't like that. Then his wife shot him. That's what he gets for trying out companions for himself.

I was there, by his side. Just a bullet. I asked him, I told him to regenerate. He looked up at me with those eyes, the eyes he must give to all those people he kills for the sake of one of his schemes. He looked up at me and he refused.

He was going to leave me on my own again. Because that's how he could win. It was that could hurt me and it was the one thing I could never forgive him for. "I win", he said as he died.

I watched. There was nothing I could do, I couldn't force him. And when wedon't _want _to regenerate we won't. I watched... and I cried. For everything we've been through together, for everything he's ever done he was still once my friend. He still was a Time Lord.

I couldn't do anything traditional for him, not any more. But I did something. Something I thought was appropriate. There's just one thing about it all that I can't get my head around.

The drums. He kept talking about the sound of drums. I always knew he was one of those that looked in and went 'mad' so to speak, but never like this. He was obsessed. Did being resurrected in the Time War make him worse? Maybe it was being human. Maybe this regeneration was just that bad.

'Course I'll never know now. The Master is gone and so is the last remnant of us all. Except me and the TARDIS but I hardly count. I'll miss him. Even if he enslaved me, the entire planet Earth and tried to take over the universe. I will. My encounters with him are really highlights of my life. Suppose that makes me just as bad in the end doesn't it?

So he was gone. Long story short, everyone but him survived in the end. We erased the year of his rule, but those closest to it would be cursed to remember. Poor Martha. And her family, of course. Jack, I suppose, could handle it.

Martha came to see me. I knew why. She told me, in very human terms, pretty much what I was afraid might happen. Afraid because, while I think Martha is brilliant and she really is. She really can't be someone I could... well. We've gone through that one already.

I loved the time I spent with her. But it was her time to go. Her family, those certain uh... issues with me. And she left. And there I was on my own. For about 5 seconds at least.

Somehow, some way I had managed to meet myself. Me from half my lives ago. Now that's not something you get to say very often. After all that it was nice to see me again. I even got in practice putting a brave face on his death. It was good. He's my favourite me. Just that celery...

So there I was again. On my own. Sorting out a few TARDIS things and just about ready to sit in my favourite chair and get all this out my big ol' head and then a Space Titanic crashes in through the TARDIS.

There really is never going to be a point when these things stop happening to me. That's why I love the universe.

Now me being me, I couldn't just heal the damage and get out of there. Had to board. Of course I did. Started off nicely actually. I even got all dressed up. I forgot that suit was a bad omen, always forget about that.

So me on a ship in space, load of people, wearing the bad luck suit and as if that isn't enough it is literally a Space Titanic. What happens next? Right, everything just goes wrong.

Even with everything going wrong, saving people and all that I met a lovely girl on board. Astrid, Astrid Peth. She reminded me a lot of someone but I couldn't put my finger on it. She had dreams of seeing the stars. I was... actually going to bring her with me. But she died too. Kind of getting to be a common thing isn't it.

So many people died on that ship. I might have managed to stop it practically killing the planet but I failed. I failed to save so many people. I can't let people travel with me any more. It's always too dangerous. Just getting involved in something, just talking to people puts them in so much danger. I have to be alone, don't I. Looks like you do win after all.

Where do I go from here? I'm not sure really. Carry on as it was meant to be I suppose. Not that I don't still enjoy myself, would have stopped a long time ago if I didn't. Just me, the TARDIS and the open universe. The way it has to be.

I think I just saw a glimpse of 50,210.

With lots of love and words,

The Doctor


End file.
